Mere Shadow
by NessieXnessie
Summary: Sometimes the Doctor cannot save one. Sometimes one has to save oneself... -I'm not dead. Yet I'm not quite alive. Yet I'm more alive than before. Yet I'm cursed forever, but know not to what. Yet the strange Doctor is still there, thinking do I deserve to die. One-shot for now.


**Mere Shadow**

I look in the reflection and I see me, I look at my lips and I wonder what it feels like. To have someone kiss them. I rise my arms and hug myself, but it isn't the same. I can't kiss my own lips, not really. Mirror isn't anything but a cold reflection, I can never kiss myself, nor ever feel my own arms protecting me from the world. I wasn't made to be alone, that's not how I function. I was made to be loved by someone else, outside me.

* * *

My hair has turned black from the grief, my eyes are hollow and grey, my skin has long lost it's colour and is cold like porcelain, I am a shadow of what I was, a thin shadow and I shall rage.

I shall rage, for there is nothing but revenge left. The humans will pay.

* * *

Slowly I rise my head and brush the lifeless strands of my face, there it is, Earth, the killers. There is no humour in revenge, but there is nothing else left to do, so I strike.

With a lift of a finger I bring down the old base, of course no one is in there, this is just a warning.

My head hurts, but my agony does not matter, only end matters now, I land down to the street where he lives, with his family. The commander and I walk, because I have time, I walk forward to the number 57. None of the humans suspect a thing, they just look at me strange I'm dead to them, I look like one but living still. I'm too grey and white and pale for them to look too long.

I'm here, and my head is killing me, just this one last task and I can sleep forever.

I knock the door and wait, he should be home, I'm not sure. I wait and wait, still nothing and I ring the bell. I really shouldn't bother with the dramatics, but if this is the last thing i do it's better be good.

The door cracks and moans a bit as it opens, my soul is by now surely in my throat so I swallow deep and calmed it down.

A little girl appears shyly, I freeze. I didn't know he had kids. Slowly I ask, trying to cheer up my voice, trying to make a british accent, she wouldn't recognise mine.

"Hello, I'm looking for... Is your daddy home?" I get out from my raspy throat, maybe this isn't a good idea, I don't wait for an answer, I run.

Run and run, thinking for another plan. There it is, I have it.  
I can attack their military base, there won't be any innocence.

Outside are some big guns... I hate guns, they are the reason I'm alone, and the wielders, they shall pay now! I scream in my mind and bend the steel door open, I can feel cold blood running down my nose but that doesn't matter.

Slow steps inside, they are pointing guns at me. I don't care, I make a forcefield, just like the ones before, but this time to protect myself, I have a goal. Soldiers line up in front of me and I push them down, there is a thought, deep down that is scared for them, but I push it down too. I am here to kill them, not to mourn.

There's a man in front, he shoots at me and I try to turn the bullets back against me, they won't let me, those inside. I can't let me either, that's when I give up. If i can't kill a man who tries to kill me, I can't do it anyhow. The floor cracks in two with from my power and light up a fire close to where they were before they ran. Smoke rises, and I unlock the doors I had locked, so I could massacre us all, but now I need to get out.

No strength to run anymore I stumble outside as far as I can manage, and sit down on the nearest bench.

Everything goes dark.

"Hello!" Someone very cheery greets me and my eyes open, it's not much later judging by the light sky.

"You haven't seen anything odd here say a while ago have you?"

I look at him and his mouth forms a big O

"That was you wasn't it. Must have paled from all the power you used. I've met your kind before. Very happy, brilliant parties... Which brings us to the question, why would you do something like this?"

"Kill them..." my mouth words I suddenly don't mean anymore.

There was a long silence.

"I didn't kill anyone did I?" Another voice, my voice changes the course of the conversation.

He's mind was calculating as he tells me words that should mean less to me, "No, you didn't."

"Please go." my mind changes again.

"Why?" he wonders.

"I want to die alone." the same one answers, it's not mine anymore, I don't want to die alone, just because I lived alone.

"What?"

"Just look at me Doctor, I'm-"

"What did you call me?" He stops my voice and someone in my mind realises his or her mistake, they know his name because of me.

"Doctor." and this time is me who answers, I'm back again

"How did you, no no no no you aren't like them at all. What are you, when are you?" he knows it's not normal for even my kind.

"I'm sorry, didn't realise you hadn't said it yet. Your one of them aren't you... Time Lord." someone scared of life tells him and I din't mind.

He's stunned, loss at words, I can see it in his eyes,

"Can you read my mind? How can you do that. I didn't feel anything, I'm couldn't feel you in my mind!"

He doesn't know after all, we are relieved, I am not.

"I didn't read your mind, I know peoples names, but yours is hidden that's the only one I got..." I fight my way through the others and say

"So -?

"They called me abomination, used to." I smile, I'm back. They like my answer.

"Oh- but that doesn't do does it, your real name?" he is disgusted, he knows there is something wrong with me now, but he puts it away.

"Tell me yours first. Doctor." a witty one tells him

"John Smith."

I see it in his eyes, it's not the first time he makes this name his.

"Riki Nox." one of them tells him, she lies too.

"Why? He asks, this conversation is over, another one starts. The one that we didn't finish before, and now I'm confused so another one helpfully takes over and speaks through me again, that helpful one knows what to do, for the Doctor is determined now. No more humour and The helpful one has no humour either.

"It's their fault." my mouth forms the words I didn't think of.

Maybe it's enough... My head is spinning and I know I don't have long anymore, I'm going to lose my body.

"John Smith. Doctor. Go." I tell him. For they are melting together, all of them, becoming one. Becoming me.

I hate it, I know things in my head, I'm not supposed to, I'm losing my mind.  
I'm losing my mind!

I'm losing your mind not my body!

I feel someone shake me, hard. Then it's gone.

Revenge is sweet, but it's not mine.

Humans are innocent.

The true killer has gotten what she deserves.

Me.

Yet I'm not dead.

Yet I'm not quite alive.

Yet I'm more alive than before.

Yet I'm cursed forever, but know not to what.

Yet the strange Doctor is still there, thinking do I deserve to die.

* * *

Thank you for reading this. I'm not quite sure should I leave this like... This. Or continue.

Pretty pretty please, with a cherry on top, review. You'd make my day or two :)


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